Relationships, the power of habit and “Hope Springs”

Relationships are complex. “Hope Springs” is a movie about relationships and about real life as it is. “Hope Springs” is a wonderful depiction of reality, of married life, of loneliness and happiness together. The married couple are well settled into their routine until one of them realizes that most of the things that brought them together, common pictures in their Quality Worlds have disappeared from their life.

We do the same things every day because we’re used to it and it is what we’ve been doing for a long time. It’s a habit. Take Kay who wakes up every morning before her husband does, she goes downstairs and the minute he enters the kitchen she has his breakfast and paper ready on the table. Take Arnold who has dinner every evening at 6:30, then falls asleep watching TV. Everything is the same, day in, day out. Nothing changes.

We are human beings and we all have a tendency of doing again what we’ve done before because it’s familiar. We have a memory that most of the time doesn’t fail to remember the past or what we did in similar circumstances. We go on automatic. The first day of my children’s school I was a bit lost trying to prepare their lunches. I went to the fridge 3 times,  I put on the kettle, I took out the milk for my tea, I couldn’t see the lunch boxes that I carefully put out the night before. The task of making lunches took me 15 minutes. The second day I was much better and nearly three weeks in now, I’m flying.  Making those lunches in the morning became a habit. I don’t think about it I just automatically do it.

Habits grow. Habits have advantages such as the fact that they increase your skills, they help you to be very efficient and they also reduce fatigue as you save energy when you have a well established routine. Habits are comforting and offer security. Without habit you could spend your days wondering what or how you’re supposed to do certain things. Habits are useful.

However, when it comes to a relationship or a marriage there is one major disadvantage: you get so accustomed with what you do that you become complacent and stop dreaming. People need excitement and fun in their life. This is the position that Arnold finds himself in and he doesn’t see a problem with the way his life is at the moment. But Kay has something else in mind: she’s fed up, she’s disappointed and she feels let down.

That’s exactly what happens in real life, after a while or what people call “the honeymoon period” the balance disappears from the relationship and the two persons involved need to reestablish some sort of equilibrium if the relationship is to survive. It’s about give and take.

She wants more out of their marriage, he seems satisfied with what he has.

I’ve often heard people saying that if they were not in a relationship, their life would be somewhat better. And I truly believe it. When you are half of a relationship, you have expectations and when what you’re expecting is not happening, frustration sets in. That can be followed by loneliness and depression. Meryl Streep who plays Kay in the movie says is very well: “I wouldn’t feel as lonely if I would be on my own”.

But once you’re aware of your own reality and you know what you want, then finding ways of achieving it is a matter of time. It may not always be a happy ending when two people are involved, but it may well worth exploring your options. Because you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and the question is: are you willing to put up with what you’re going through at the moment? Is it worth it?

Sometimes, even by talking about your unhappiness with your partner or with someone you trust, can help you move forward. Admitting it to yourself and talking about it are the first steps.